10.16.2005

Time...

It is amazing how quickly time flies - and yet, the wounds heal so slowly. I last wrote at the "three week mark" of my mother's passing. I feel badly that I have not written in so long, and that when I am motivated to write (i.e. now) all I can write are words that will probably not bring any laughter.

Before life went all wonky, I think I was actually somewhat funny about the ridiculous experiences life brought my way. Thank goodness there are archives on here for y'all so you can have proof! Unfortunately, in this time of terrible sadness, all I can do is try to "get out" some of my feelings...and, since many of you have been so wonderfully supportive, all I can do is believe that if I share some of what I feel...that maybe it will help me feel just a little bit better.

I try to remember the good times...but right now, all the seems to consume me is the sadness I feel that I can't physically talk to my mom or give her a hug and tell her a joke and hear her great laugh. Sadly, I even miss her getting angry at times with me...who EVER thought I would miss that. I think I might be a masochist!

I feel selfish for concentrating on the times I won't have with her - rather than all the sweet moments that will hopefully come my way. I try to believe that even though she isn't here to sit with me when I have a cold or wonderful news to share, that she is with me...and I try, very hard, to believe that if I can start to feel joy, rather than sadness, that I will be able to feel her presence in those good moments or moments of peace in my heart.

Unfortunately, right now, my heart is heavy.

I always believed myself to be an optimist...I always try to see the glass half full rather than empty - but I am so completely exhausted that I can't seem to muster the strength to turn the thinking around.

My sense of humour still exists - although it doesn't surface as readily. This ain't easy.

I do promise this...I will write a "good" entry this week. Work had me travel to London and Barcelona. The latter city was more for pleasure with my boss. I had a nice time...and do believe I got some lovely shots while there which I will be delighted to share with you...

The idioms I used to use - have a weird meaning these days...Life does goes on...it just isn't the same way of life with such a top, key person missing.

3 Comments:

Blogger allison said...

This was a good post. Keep them coming.

No one needs you to be funny all the time. It's far better for you just to be honest and let us help you through this the only way we really can...by listening.

12:02 PM  
Blogger SirTalksALot said...

Humor will come later, now you need to feel everything, and that will be grief and sorrow for a while. One day at a time though! ;) I'll remember to pray for strength for you tonight. :)

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Jules said...

I love you. Never worry about what others may or may not be expecting of you. We're just delighted you're around.

9:11 PM  

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